9 Steps You Can Take as a Parent

by Janet Lehman, MSW

As we all know too well, name–calling, cruel taunts, cyberbullying and physical bullying happen every day to kids across the country. When your child is being bullied, it’s hard to concentrate on anything else—all you want to do is make it stop immediately. Janet Lehman, MSW explains what you can do to help your child—and what could hurt them in the long run.

The lesson for our son was that while he couldn’t stop people from saying bad things, he had some control over how he responded to it.

At some point, your child will be picked on or will have his feelings hurt by others. We all have our trials and tribulations with our kids, no matter who we are. An unavoidable part of living is finding solutions to problems, even when they are not easy or comfortable.

In my opinion, bullying is a real problem that needs to be solved as a family. Our son was bullied in middle school and high school. We lived in a small rural community where he went to elementary school; the teachers were very aware of all the kids and very attentive. In some ways it was an ideal school. Unfortunately, they had no junior high or high school in our community, so we had to make the choice to send our son to a large urban school nearby.

Soon, he started to come home with some very disturbing stories about how other kids were teasing him, calling names and taunting him. These children didn’t have any clear reason why they were bullying our son other than he was the new kid; he was perceived as being different. Our son would come home each day with terrible stories about things that had happened. My husband, James, and I tried hard not to react too strongly when he talked to us. We did not want to seem too upset about it, because we really wanted to listen to what our child had to say without making it worse by over–reacting. We tried to remain as neutral as possible, but we were not always successful. Our son was upset and depressed, and it broke our hearts.

Over time we were able to resolve these issues as a family, but I want to stress that it didn’t happen overnight, much as we wanted it to. It took a lot of work with both the school and our son to find a solution to the problem. Along the way, we learned some valuable lessons that I believe played a big part in resolving the issue for our son.

Here are 9 steps you can take when your child is being bullied.

1. Listen to what your child has to say: Being a good listener is an important piece of your role when your child is being bullied. One of the best questions you can ask your child is, “What can I do to be helpful?” When your child tells you what’s going on at school, as much as it hurts to listen, be open and able to hear what he has to say. Try to be supportive but neutral when he’s talking. When you react too strongly to what your child is saying, he might stop talking because he’s afraid he’s going to upset you.

The other side of listening is not blaming your child. Don’t put the responsibility for the bullying on him or try to find a reason for it; there is no good reason or excuse for what’s happening. If your child is being bullied, he is the victim, so trying to find a reason for why he’s “bringing it on himself” really isn’t helpful. Never blame your child because it makes him anxious and reduces what he’s going to tell you. Your goal is that he continues to communicate what’s going on.

2. If you were bullied as a child, try not to personalize what is happening. If you were bullied when you were younger, the same situation with your child will most likely bring up painful memories. It’s okay to connect with your child about how it feels to be bullied, but don’t take the problem on as if it’s yours alone. I think the most important thing to do when your child is bullied is to remember the responses you received from others that were—or weren’t—helpful. Use what worked and avoid doing what was unsupportive or hurtful.

3. Don’t retaliate against the bully or his family. As tempting as it might be to take matters into your own hands and retaliate against the bully or his family, don’t do it. This is where you have to set some examples for your child on how to problem solve. It’s very difficult to hear that your child is being threatened; of course you want to immediately stop the hurt. But remember, retaliating won’t help your child solve the problem or feel better about himself. Instead, take a deep breath and think about what you can do to help your child handle what he’s facing.

4. Coach your child on how to react: Bullies tend to pick on people who they can get a reaction from; they choose kids who get upset and who take the teasing to heart. They also look for kids who won’t stand up for themselves, or who they can overpower. It’s important to teach your child how to react. We coached our son on how to avoid bullies at school and who to go to if he felt unsafe. We also did role plays together where we practiced not reacting to what the bullies said. Another part of what we did was set it up so that our son had some control over what was going on. He couldn’t stop the bullying right away, but he could get himself away from it and he could find someone to talk to about it.

5. Find a teacher or administrator at your child’s school who will help: Remember, it is the school’s responsibility to stop bullying; I think most take that seriously. The saving grace for our son was the guidance counselor at his school. She provided a safe place for our son to go when he was being picked on. The guidance counselor wanted him to feel like he had some control over the situation, so our child was the one taking the initiative to talk with her. (While we didn’t openly discuss this with him, he knew at some level that we were also talking to the guidance counselor.) We felt it was important for our child to have some sense of taking this problem on and solving it by going to the guidance counselor on his own.

After he started talking with her, she let him know that he could just sit in her office, even if she wasn’t there; the school allowed him to basically take a time out or break to get away from the bullying situation. Again, that gave him some control over what was going on. It gave him a source of support and made him feel like he wasn’t powerless. By talking to the guidance counselor and using his pass to go to her office, it showed him that there were some solutions to the situation.

It’s also important to make sure your child keeps talking—whether it’s with you, a guidance counselor or a trusted teacher, it’s important that he keeps communicating about what’s going on.

6. Take your child’s side: When our son was being bullied, we constantly reaffirmed that there were things he could do to handle the situation, and that he was in fact doing them. We let him know that we were going to get him help and that we loved him and we were going to support him. We also said that there was no excuse for what was happening to him. Make sure to let your child know that you’re on his side; he needs to understand that you don’t blame him and that you will support him.

We also let our child know that if he retaliated against the group, by swearing back or even fighting, that we wouldn’t punish him at home. Our son was bullied physically and verbally, and we told him that he could do what he needed to do to protect himself. We told him that he would still have consequences at school for any misbehavior because that would be against the rules, but we didn’t add to them at home.

7. Get support: Be sure to talk to your spouse or to supportive family or friends. Sometimes I would burst out crying after hearing about what had happened to our son. There were definitely times when James and I got angry. I think the bottom line is that this situation can really bring out emotions from parents.

We found that we needed to talk with each other about this as a couple because it was so hurtful, and because we wanted to be clear in how we communicated to our son. I recommend that single parents reach out to somebody—a family member, friend, or someone at the school—anyone who can help you help your child. We reached out to friends and colleagues as well, and asked how they handled it when it happened to their kids. If nothing else, it helped us feel like we weren’t alone and that there wasn’t anything wrong with our child.

8. Teach your child to name what’s happening: For younger kids, it’s important to be able to name what’s happening as “bullying.” For a child who’s feeling picked on, it’s empowering to be able to really name it. They’re teaching a lot about bullying prevention in school these days and “bully” is such a negative word that it’s good for your child to be able to attach it to the behavior. This is truly empowering for many children and can work with older kids, as well.

9. Find something your child is really good at doing: Help your child feel good about himself by finding something he can do well. Choose some activities he’s good at and reinforce it verbally. Our son got involved in swimming and it was very helpful for his self–esteem.

Fortunately, he got through that year and developed some great friendships. That summer we signed him up for a summer camp program. He went there still feeling a bit like a victim, and came out a completely different human being. Camp was a place where he really excelled and it just fed his self–esteem.

So try to find a positive experience for your child to help him feel good about himself. Remember, every time he succeeds, it helps him develop better self–esteem; that feeling is the opposite of how the bullies make him feel.

Bullying is not something your child is going to get over immediately—or simply because he wants it to be over. It can be long a process. The lesson for our son was that while he couldn’t stop people from saying bad things, he had some control over how he responded to it.

Look at it this way: a lot of people feel stuck in their jobs. But the minute they figure out that they have a choice—that they can either stay there or go somewhere else—they feel better. It’s that stuck place, that feeling of being completely powerless and trapped, that is the worst. I think what our son got out of this whole situation was finding those small pieces of control and exerting them, bit by bit.

Again, all of this took a lot of time. We didn’t come up with solutions quickly. It took time for our son to trust the guidance counselor and then for us to encourage him to go talk to her. After a while, we could see that everything we were doing was starting to work. Overcoming a bullying episode takes support, and it takes everyone working together as a family to make it happen.

Signs that your child is being bullied:

• Not going to the bathroom at school. A lot of bullies attack in the bathroom, away from cameras and adults. Avoiding unsupervised activities and areas.
• Getting upset after a phone call, text or email.
• Losing friends they previously had.
• Being more isolated and skipping activities that they used to enjoy. Spending more time alone in their rooms.
• Making negative statements about themselves and engaging in negative self talk.

Janet Lehman, MSW has worked with troubled children and teens for over 30 years. She held various roles during her career as a social worker, including juvenile probation officer, case manager and therapist. Janet also worked as a program director for 22 years in traditional residential care and in group homes for difficult children.

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I grew up in an inner city and I guess I knew that there were people who hunted.  I mean I was aware of the concept of hunting.  (After all, I watched Elmer Fudd going after Bugs Bunny.)  It was just not a part of our (real life) lives at all.  Oh, sure, I ate meat.  I’m a meat-eater.  It just never occurred to me to go spend a LOT of time in the woods – scouting, sitting in a tree – to shoot an animal with a gun or a bow & arrow.

Fast forward to the present – I’m a hunter by marriage.  What does this have to do with parenting?  This is the second year that one of my children has joined the hunting ‘party.’  Personally, I don’t think that he’s sure, yet, if he’s up to the task of actually killing something.  After having the opportunity to help with, or at least witness, the gutting then dragging a deer out of the woods,  he may be re-thinking the whole experience. 

Either way, as long as safety is covered, it is all his decision.  I try to encourage my children to have some quiet time with their own thoughts to think things through.  I also try to talk with them to offer guidance.  Hopefully, when it comes to making big, important, or hard decisions in youth and throughout life, my children will have confidence to trust their own intuition while still being open to ideas.

Meanwhile, the deer will be donated this time to a Hunters for Hunger program that processes and provides the meat to food bank/soup kitchens in the area.  I never did like the expression in the title of this post.  Anyway, my “bucks” will return, soon.

Well, this one forces me to stop and think.  My first reaction to this deliberation was disbelief.  What!?!  The knee-jerk thought was that somehow my rights were being stepped upon.  What next?  This reaction was to the news that San Francisco had elected to Ban Happy Meals and any kids meal with a toy incentive.  Thinking it through, it did not seem unreasonable to me – especially given the near epidemic in this country of obesity in children.  I do give my family McDonalds food but never without guilt.  Grilled chicken and fresh vegetables are never ordered from our vehicle.

No one is telling me what I can or cannot feed my children.  I had a choice before and I still have a choice.  They’re just saying that restaurants like Mcdonalds won’t be able to entice the children’s meals with a toy- when the meals contain the amount of fat and sugar.  They can still  have the kid’s meals served exactly the way it is – only withOUT a toy.  There is talk that they can offer the toy if a fresh fruit and/or vegetable is incuded in the meal.  I say, fair enough.

Again, this forces me to stop and evaluate what I am feeding my family.  This San Francisco thing is a wake-up call for me and, I think, should be for many parents.  I’ll admit, at least a third of our meals are out of convenience.  I do make a point to include a green vegetable and whole grains when I prepare meals, but what about that one third of the time?  Doesn’t my family need proper nutrition everyday? 

I’m not kidding myself by thinking that we’re through with fast food.  I’d like to make those trips even more INfrequent and be aware of what we order there.  I’ve compiled a Tips Sheet for families to use as a guide or cheat sheet when searching for ideas for healthy food choices.

What do YOU think about the San Francisco Ban of Happy Meals with a toy?

Just fill in your name & email in the boxes at the top right of this page and I’ll get the Healthy Foods Tip Sheet right out to you!

Hello all!

In this day and age, we parents – most of us anyway – have moved away from the “do as I say, not as I do” attitude of parenting. Even so, I find many reminders that kids are WATCHING and they really do pick up on just about everything!

Sometimes teenagers act as if they already know it all or have decided their own paths already. Be warned. They’re just trying out attitudes and ideas all the while keeping a very close eye on YOU – their parents.

Personally, I want to believe that for as much as my teen or tween tries to pretend to tune me out, he’s still listening.  A better way…what they can see more clearly, though, is how *I* behave in a tense situation or under stress.  I have to check myself and ask if I am always striving to improve myself, standing up for myself, sharing my talents, showing kindness to others, making a difference to someone, etc.  Whatever qualities that I’d want them to model, well I’d sure better be living it first.

I think that the Rodney Atkins song, Watching Yousays it in a cool way, too.

I’d love to see your comments so share which top three character qualities you’d like your children to develop.
Watching You by Rodney Atkins Music Video with his really cute little boy

You may think that the title of this post refers to something a kid might say about chores, homework, or any general task that is asked of her.  Ah, that just might happen, but this time I’m talking about myself.  Too often, I will put off something that I KNOW must be done.  I DO get it done (usually), but wouldn’t it have been easier to just do it right away?  Otherwise the task is just hanging over my head.  Procrastination.

Maybe it’s just my own adult ADHD that fuels these tendencies, but I can’t use that as a excuse not to, say, clean my house.  I’ll admit it.  I’m a Messie.  You know, Neatness-Challenged.  Don’t get me wrong, I LIKE to have a clean home.  That is, I like the IDEA of having one.  I rarely actually DO have it completely clean, though. 

Having someone come in to clean my house is a nice idea and really doesn’t cost all that much.  The problem with that is I’d first have to clean it enough so that someone can get to the surfaces to clean them…or something.  It’s strange, I do insist that the kitchen and sink are cleaned every night.  I can’t have crumbs or food items around.   And I have managed to avoid trashing one room: the living room.  We do actually live in there, too.  It’s not one of those plastic covered, don’t-walk-on-the-floor rooms by any means.

My main issue is clutter!  Mostly, paper clutter.  I want to read everything although I don’t often have the time so I keep it for later.  Yikes!  For most of it, “later” never comes.  Imagine boxes and tables, and counter tops, floors in certain rooms loaded with documents, magazines, torn articles, books galore, etc.  It gets out of hand fast!  Then, there’s my clothes closet…but we won’t go there right now. 

As I said, I don’t actually want it this way and I do occasionally “clean it up.”  This usually amounts to tossing everything into another box for – you guessed it – later.   

I’ve decided to take action to be a proper example for my kids, but more importantly to give them the freedom that comes with not being stressed by piles of STUFF at almost every turn.  Plus, DH would be so happy.  I don’t know a lot about Feng Shui but I’m pretty sure that clutter is not a good thing.

I may try some of the Flylady’s tips and re-read “How NOT to be a Messie.”  Now,  where is that book…?

Imposter syndrome. 

I think I’ve got it. 

Just as in anything else, this parenting adventure has its ups and downs.  It’s not really like a roller coaster.  I don’t think that it should be like that.  There are times, though, when we hit a bump in the road during our journey.  We stumble, sometimes fall, and we get up again.  Sometimes, we’re climbing uphill..or just coasting along.  Then, just when we start to think we’ve got a handle on this thing and – trip!- there’s another bump. 

Am I really the go-to person for a friend’s (or stranger’s) parenting problem when I still have the bumps?  I’m going to say, “Yes!”  Sure, why not?  I can listen.  I have ears to hear and I can empathize.  Open arms.   Occasionally, I also have some sound advice.   It’s anyone’s choice to take it to heart or ignore it. 

Yes, I’ve taken several parenting courses.  I’ve read countless books and I’ve participated in numerous conferences on the subject.  It’s like certain other important professions - physicians, teachers – who are required to take continuing education courses.  I’m always looking for useful information.  I’m proud of all that, but the REAL training…  the time for me to reallyshow what I’ve got and what I’m made of is when I hit one of those bumps in the road of my parenting journey.   I count it all joy.  Nah, I’m no imposter.  These “bumps” serve to make me a better parent and a better person!

Blogging, that is..not parenting.  Ah, I feel I’ve been away from this blog so long that I must begin again.   Thankfully (?), with parenting, there is always a new beginning – just like my very first post states!  

I AM thankful to be welcomed back!

Many parents of school-aged children have had to reset the family to a back-to-school mode.   It’s an adjustment of varying degrees in my household.  The youngest is just not a sleeper and never has been since birth.   I used to be so jealous of the moms whose infants would take three-hour naps.  What is THAT?  I’m way past the stage of feeling guilty because my child is chronically sleep deprived, too.  It’s sad, and we’ve tried much to help.  I’m sure that he is not performing or operating at his best, but I am thankful that he adapts and is ok.  I still search for a remedy, but I’m not sweating it.  If nothing else, when he enters the teen age, he’ll problably learn to love – and be grateful for sleep.

Now, if my children would remember to grasp the idea of being thankful, so much would be easier.  Starting with the little things…like homework.  Kids can imagine that what might be 20 minutes of homework to translate to “truckloads” that will take all night to complete.  Instead of justing seeing it for what is is – and doing it, they can be more willing to blow it out of proportion, fret about it, procrastinate, self-prophecy and drag it out until it is “all night.”  How about being thankful that they have the physical and mental ability to complete the assignments.  It could be a lot worse.  They could actually have much more homework.  I’d like to see less complaining and more EFFORT. 

Chime in if you know a way to get kids to see that things are not so bad just because they have a homework assignment or two.

I’m excited to share my review about this, The Total Transformation, parenting program! Please come back often to see my upcoming reviews of the program. Right now, you can even try out the program for free! See the details on their site.

Do you remember the movie, Home Alone?  I mean the first one, not the 6th one – or however many they’ve made.  Young actor Macaulay Culkin played the cute and very resourceful young kid who outsmarted a gang of once sophisticated criminals.  Ok, the criminals’ devices were sophisticated.  The criminals themselves were pretty idiotic.  The kid was left alone, yet was quick thinking under pressure, and, did I mention, resourceful?  I know that it’s just make-believe and I won’t get into the part about the parents FORGETTING about their son and leaving him behind.  (It’s been done.  You know who you are!) Instead, I want to discuss resourcefulness in our children.

Too often, too many things are handed to our children.  They don’t have to go after it.  They don’t have to figure things out.  They sometimes don’t have to think.  We sometimes get caught up in doing too much for our kids.  I caught myself some time ago.  It can just be so much easier to do something for a child instead of making him endure the pain and struggle.  The problem is that the struggle is good and the pain is mostly imagined – mostly just annoyance that there was not instant gratification. 

“I can’t!  It’s too hard!”

Who has heard those words before?  I cringe when I hear them but I know that here’s another teaching moment.  Those words are only resistance to hard work or to the chance of failure.  They can’t fail if they don’t attempt at all, right?  It’s ok to let our kids fail at things.  As parents, we encourage them to try again.  When we allow a child to find her own answers, there is more meaning.  When we allow a child to work for what they want, truly there is more gratification.  Allowing the child to problem-solve and make his own discovery naturally gives a sense of accomplishment.   

Let’s help nurture the Thinkers in our kids.  They can be empowered!  Let’s help them to be more resourceful and see what they have and come up with new ways to use what they have.  I want my children to welcome challenge because they have the confidence that they can solve any problem.  Isn’t that who we want our future leaders to be?  Problem Solvers? 

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